


Pale Imitation of the Sun

by spirithorse



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-01 21:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1048626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spirithorse/pseuds/spirithorse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t want to remember what had happened when they had broken away from the civilization behind the three walls, didn’t want to remember his friends dying as they fought their way outside of Wall Maria. Didn’t want to remember Commander Erwin’s arm being severed as the Military Police had turned magic on them.</p><p>And he especially didn’t want to remember Jean’s body sprawled against a building; battered, bruised and motionless. (An Attack on Titan/Ladyhawke fusion)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Since There's No Other Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written for Jeanmarco Week (Nov. 11- Nov. 17) for the prompt longing. Title from  Hey There Jean Kirschstien.

_“She loves you more than life itself. She's had to.” – Ladyhawke_

__

Waking up was a sudden thing now, as it always was. Marco jerked upright, looking around the room he was in with his heart beating too fast, like he had just woken up from a nightmare. But there was nothing he remembered dreaming, nothing that he remembered from the last time he had been awake that would have caused him that fear. There was only the vague memory of the sunrise.

And Jean. But Marco tried his best not to remember that, because it  _hurt_.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to remember what had happened when they had broken away from the civilization behind the three walls, didn’t want to remember his friends dying as they fought their way outside of Wall Maria. Didn’t want to remember Commander Erwin’s arm being severed as the Military Police had turned magic on them.

And he especially didn’t want to remember Jean’s body sprawled against a building; battered, bruised and motionless.

Marco wrapped hugged himself, trying to cut off the shivers that threatened to overtake him. There was nothing he could do about Jean now, nothing he had been able to do because he hadn’t been fast enough. If he had just obeyed the order to retreat instead of trying to go help Corporal Levi pull Erwin away, then Jean wouldn’t have followed him. Then only he would have been hit by the magic that had blasted through Eren’s hastily constructed shield. If he had just run, then none of his friends would be suffering as well, because they had all followed Jean, who was following him.

He shook his head and stumbled out of bed, kicking the sheet free from where it had twisted around his legs.

As usual, there was a pile of clothes waiting for him on the low stool in the room and a plate on the table. Marco dressed quickly, picking up the bread from the plate. He barely tasted the meat and cheese that was stuffed in it, too focused on getting out of the room.

He had to be sure that everyone else was alright, his own little penance for charging into the fray at the wrong time. Maybe if it had been Jean leading them, everyone would have come out unscathed. He had always believe that Jean was a natural born leader, just like Marco had always known that he was good at looking after people.

Marco shuffled into the hallway, relieved by the half open doors in the hallway. As he walked, he could peer in and see that the members of his cadet corps, his friends, were still safe. That was a relief at least, to know that his friends hadn’t been killed by his foolish action.

They had all suffered from the magic that had rebounded from Eren’s shield and fractured, but not to a great extent. Connie had walked around with what looked like a sunburn for a few weeks. Mikasa had been knocked unconscious for two days. Sasha had been unable to look at food without throwing up. Christa had been unable to talk for a week. Ymir’s ears had rung for a few hours. Bertholdt had gotten a horrible rash that he had been scratching at for days. Reiner had been forced to move very slowly until his balance had returned. Armin was still a little sensitive to sunlight, but that was easing up as well. Compared to the rest of the survivors, both soldiers and civilians that had escaped from the walls, the casualties were few. But that fact had never helped him.

Saying that the casualties were few didn’t help the fact that Commander Erwin had lost his right arm and had nearly died from the blood loss as they had ridden for Reiner and Bertholdt’s village. It didn’t change the fact that Annie had been frozen in some kind of crystal substance that Hanji still hadn’t figured out how to free her from. Not even the magicians from the village could help, and they were working on the crystal almost all the time.

Marco’s steps slowed as he came to the last room in the hallway, unable to stop himself from peering in.

Nothing had changed from the last time he had passed by, which made everything worse. Eren was still sitting slumped in the chair, food untouched on the tray next to him. His full attention was on the prone figure in the bed.

Marco averted his gaze and moved past before Eren could notice him. Eren didn’t blame Marco for what happened, but that didn’t help Marco’s own guilt. Everyone who had been in training with him had suffered and, while Corporal Levi’s condition might not have been Marco’s fault, Eren was suffering because of it.

It wasn’t Eren’s fault that his shield had been slow to go up and not fully functional. The magician’s attack on the commander had come as a surprise to everyone. No one had expected the Military Police to turn magic on them, and no one had expected it to happen twice. It wasn’t Eren’s fault that his shield had shattered and redirected the magic. Marco thought that it was better that it had, because it had meant that everyone was alive. The corporal might not have woken up since the attack nearly a month ago, but at least he was still alive. If he was alive, there was still hope.

But it didn’t make Marco feel better, because he still had to see Eren herded away from his nearly constant vigil to eat and pretend that he couldn’t see how it was killing Eren to be unable to do anything. Eren couldn’t help Annie, he couldn’t help Levi and he couldn’t help Marco. And Marco knew how that kind of guilt could eat away at a person until there was little left.

He ducked his head, staring at the floor as he walked towards the courtyard of the fort complex they had built after arriving at the village. All of the soldiers were living in the fort at the moment, acting as guards for the village against any attack that might come. A month was hardly long enough to call their rebellion a victory, especially after the price they had paid for that victory.

Marco stepped outside, taking a deep breath of the cold night air. He tugged the jacket he was wearing closer around him and looked around the courtyard.

There weren’t many people around, most of them probably already asleep. On the ramparts, he could just make out the shadows of the sentries that were on watch that night, Marco turning away from them. He didn’t want to talk to them, didn’t want to see their pity for what had happened to him. He was sick of it.

Instead, he started towards the gate, quickly slipping out of it without being challenged. It was the kind of lax security that would have once driven Erwin and Levi mad, but they weren’t in any shape for taking command of their troops. Instead it was Mike looking after them all, and Mike was busy with their deal with the village and the myriad of other things that came up every day; like the continuing efforts to get the civilians who had followed them outside of the walls settled in their new ways of life. With Hanji busy with dismantling the curses that had been placed on so many of them and Levi’s squad working to pick up the slack that neither Mike nor Hanji could handle, there wasn’t much time for anything else.

Marco turned away from the fort, walking just outside of its shadow as he headed toward the forest that was behind the fort and the village. If he turned his head, he could see a few lights that were still burning, probably the last few meetings of the day wrapping up. Soon enough, everyone would start back and Marco wanted to be gone before that happened. He wanted a chance to tuck himself away for the night.

A mournful howl rose up through the stillness of the night, Marco jerking to a stop at the sound. He stared at the forest, his hands shaking. He actually hadn’t dared to venture away from the fort or the village. He had been helping where he could to make up for what he had done, especially with the limited time that he had. He had been doing everything he could to forget about the flip side to what had happened to him.

He took a step back, suddenly wanting to turn back and lock himself in his room. No one would question him if he did it. Once the sun went down there was very little for him to do. He could continue with his normal pattern, which was to seek out someone in command and volunteer to continue working. It was a little thing that would help them all in the long run. After all, Marco couldn’t help during the day when the curse kicked in and he didn’t want to be useless, didn’t want to be a burden. Besides, he could see how much the preparations were wearing down Mike and Hanji, how desperate they were just to get things settled.

They had barely escaped from Wall Maria with half of their number, most of them raw recruits that had died while trying to escort the civilians out or had quickly decided to remain inside the walls where they knew they would be safe. The disparity between the elites and the remains of the 104th cadet corps was horribly obvious, and probably not helping anyone. Now was not the time to be training up cadets, not when the differences between the civilians from the wall and the villagers needed to be settled, or additions to the food supply needed to be factored in. Spring and summer wouldn’t last forever, and if winter hit while they were unprepared things would only get worse.

Marco took a step back, flinching as the howl was repeated. It wouldn’t do him any good to go into the forest. He would just take the chance to stretch his legs by walking around the fort before going to see how he could be useful. And he would forget about the forest and ignore the calls, just like he had been doing for every night for a week

He turned to walk around the fort in the opposite direction, barely getting two steps before someone stepped in front of him.

For a moment, he was blinded by the lantern that the person carried, Marco blinking quickly to clear his vision. He rubbed at his eyes with one hand, waving the other to dismiss the apologies that came from Armin, Marco recognizing the familiar voice. “It’s fine. I should have been more careful.”

“No.” Armin glanced down. “I didn’t expect you to be outside. I thought that you would have already been in the dining hall, so I thought that I could take a short walk.”

Marco stepped to the side. “Go ahead, I was just heading back in.”

Armin nodded but didn’t move, remaining staring at the ground. Marco gave him a concerned glance, about to reach out for him when the wolf howled again, Marco jumping at the sound. Despite himself, he turned to face the forest, taking a few steps before stopping himself.

He didn’t want to do that again. The last time he had dared it had been worse than just ignoring the sound, because it had made him remember the things that he couldn’t do anymore. How he couldn’t see the sun anymore, how he would always be confined to the time between sunset and sunrise.

How he would never get to see Jean longer than a split second during the sunrise or the sunset, and how only one of them could actually recognize the other at those times.

He felt Armin rest a hand on his arm, turning to look at him in the hopes that Armin would distract him from the wolf in the forest.

His hopes were dashed when Armin just patted his arm before starting to walk towards the forest, obviously expecting Marco to follow. He shook his head and took a step back. “Armin, I  _can’t_.”

Armin stopped walking, but didn’t turn back to look at him. Instead, Armin just sighed and lowered his lamp again. “I miss seeing the sun. I miss it so badly, but I can’t even go outside during the day without it hurting.”

“You said it was getting better.”

“It has been, but I’m saying that I get it.” Armin looked over his shoulder. “Just looking outside during the day isn’t the same as actually walking out in the sun, and knowing that difference hurts like hell. Whatever you can get is a pale imitation. I get that, Marco. But is it better to just take what you can or ignore it completely?”

“But it’s not him, Armin. It’s not Jean!”

“Some part of him has to be, because no one else can get close.”

“It’s because I don’t try to chase him off!” Marco clenched his hands into fists, making an effort to keep his voice low. “He doesn’t recognize me, doesn’t even know who I am aside from another human.”

“But you-”

“I don’t remember it.” It felt good to finally admit the fact to someone other than Hanji and not have to make them swear to keep it a secret. Marco hadn’t wanted anyone to know, because it would mean more pity, more sympathy for something he was convinced was his fault.

He took a deep breath and met Armins’ gaze, trying to keep his voice as steady as he could. “I don’t remember what I do. I don’t remember what happens during the day. I don’t even know he’s there.”

“Does it at least feel like something?”

Marco gave a miserable shrug. “I don’t know What I am and…that, they’re two separate things. So you’re right about the pale imitation thing. That’s all we have.”

“I’m sorry.” The apology was barely a whisper, and completely unneeded. Marco had already resigned himself to his life under the curse. He didn’t want other people to worry about him, not when he had a good enough handle on what he had to do.

Even if there were times that he was shaky, he could handle it.

Armin shuffled past him, muttering something about seeing him inside. Marco just nodded and watched him go, tempted to follow after and get Armin talking about something, anything to get Armin to keep from looking so sad. They would have a long night ahead of them, and Marco didn’t want to keep saying things that would depress his friend especially considering the way that Eren had been distancing himself from everyone. Armin had more than enough to worry about.

But he didn’t follow, staring back at the forest and resisting the other temptation, the one that would have him walking through the forest until he found his own pale imitation of the sun.

The choice was made for him, Marco sucking in a quick breath as he saw something step out of the forest. He didn’t need a lantern to know that it was the wolf, the shape was familiar enough.

To his relief, the wolf remained on the edge of the forest, pacing there. It wouldn’t come close to the fort or the village; people had already chased it off before Hanji had passed on the news of what the wolf really was. But it was still wary of all humans, save for Marco. And it had probably caught his scent earlier and had come to see him. It had been a long time since Marco had dared to venture outside of the fort, and the wolf was probably curious.

He tensed, staring at the wolf. Part of him wished that the wolf would just go back into the forest so Marco could turn around and run back into the fort. If they didn’t try to get to each other, then it wouldn’t be too bad. Marco could write it off as one of his half remembered dreams. But the wolf was staring at him, obviously waiting and Marco was feeling vulnerable. There was no way that he could turn around and ignore his one chance to have something for himself.

Marco stumbled forward, covering the distance between himself and the wolf at a near run. It was not the way to approach a wild animal, but Marco couldn’t quite bring himself to care Now that the wolf was just in front of him, it was impossible not to rush towards it.

The wolf shied away as he got closer, jumping backwards into the cover of the trees. Marco slowed to a walk, eventually dropping to his knees when the wolf looked like it was going to run further away from him. The motion seemed to calm the wolf,, Marco sighing as it walked further out of the trees again. That was a good sign; he wouldn’t be chasing the wolf all night.

He held out his hand, keeping the action slow so the wolf wouldn’t want to run again. It was evident that the wolf was interested, the creature taking a step forward before coming to a stop, like it was trying to judge Marco from far away. Marco just shook his head and smiled.

“Jean.”

His voice cracked as he spoke, Marco watching as the wolf’s ears twitched at the inconsistency. But it didn’t seem to matter, just like the fact that Marco had called his name didn’t matter. Jean didn’t understand him. If anything, it was the tone that had caught the wolf’s attention. Marco didn’t want to fool himself into believing anything else, because it would make him feel worse.

Marco held still as Jean edged closer, the wolf sniffing at his fingers before finally deciding what to do. His breath left him in a rush as the wolf pressed the side of his face into Marco’s hand, nuzzling against his wrist. Cautiously, Marco wiggled his fingers, turning the motion into a scratch when Jean stayed right where he was..

He let out a broken laugh, reaching up his other hand to scratch the other side of Jean’s face. “Hey Jean. How have you been doing? Did you miss me?”

The wolf tilted his head, staring up at Marco with one eye before huffing and nudging for more scratches.

Marco shook his head, continuing to pet the wolf. He watched his fingers slide through brown and blond fur, trying to remember how Jean’s hair had felt, if it had been soft or if it had always felt like this, but he couldn’t. Just like he couldn’t remember what Jean’s voice sounded like or what he had smelled like. Slowly, the Jean that he had spent so much time with was disappearing, and he was helpless to do anything.

In front of him the wolf whined, Jean wiggling closer and resting his muzzle on Marco’s shoulder. He didn’t bother to think too much about the action, instead throwing his arms around Jean and hugging him close. Armin was right, it was better to take what he could get, and he would just have to learn to live with the pain.

He kissed the top of Jean’s head, feeling the wolf’s ears flick against his cheeks. There was no way he could explain to Jean what he was feeling, no way that the wolf would understand. There was only this, which would have to be enough until Hanji came up with something. At least Jean was still alive, still able to interact with him unlike Annie and Levi. In the end, Marco was lucky. The problem was that he didn’t feel lucky. At least Eren could still look at Levi, could still hold him.

Marco pressed his face against Jean’s neck, ignoring the whine of confusion that the wolf gave. Instead, he breathed in the scent of the wolf, trying his best to memorize it and how the fur felt against him. Until Hanji was done with the others, this was what he had to make do with.

This was Jean.

He swallowed harshly, wiping the tears that leaked out against the wolf’s fur, glad that Jean was patient enough to allow him to do this. Marco let his hands drop so they rested just behind the wolf’s shoulders, hugging the wolf to him.

“I miss you.”

The sun coming through the open window woke Jean up just as much as the demanding call from the other side of the room. Both were familiar, but they still made him groan.

He sat up, letting the sheet fall from his shoulders as he groped around on the floor where he had left his clothes when he had dragged himself back into the fort for a few hours of sleep. It would make more sense if he just continued with his day, but Jean always felt exhausted after the sun rose. He wasn’t sure if it was because of what he had been doing during the night or the transformation took it out of him, but he just knew that he needed at least two hours of sleep to become functional again.

It would also make more sense if he actually folded his clothes, but Jean wasn’t sure that he would have been able to stay up for that either. It was easy enough to dig through what was on the floor to find what he needed in any case; the glove was a different texture from the rest of his clothes.

Jean grunted as he found the leather glove, pulling it over his right hand before sitting up in bed. That was enough of a signal for the hawk that was sitting on the perch on the other side of the room.

There was a flutter of wings and a solid weight on his hand, Jean’s arm dipping under the change. He lifted his arm slightly, holding steady as the hawk settled down, turning its head to groom the black feathers on its wings.

He smiled as he watched the hawk work, leaning back against the wall. Jean winced at the touch of cold stone against his bare back, but it was enough to wake him up the rest of the way. He used his free hand to rub at his eyes, looking around the room as soon as they were clear.

Nothing had changed from the day before, no sign that anyone had been in the room, which was disappointing. Jean lived in hope that  _something_ would change to show that there was someone else sharing the room with him. As it was, there was only the pile of clothes on the stool and the empty plate on the table. Jean sighed and looked over to the head of the bed, staring at the two jesses that were sitting there, ready to be put on the hawk.

It was an easy enough task to put the jesses onto the legs of the hawk, a month had given them plenty of time to practice. As it was, the hawk only shifted slightly, looking unhappy with the addition to its legs. Jean shook his head, allowing himself to stroke the hawk’s head now that it had finished with its morning grooming.

As much as the hawk didn’t like the jesses, Jean didn’t want to chance the hawk getting away from him. He trusted that it would always come back when he called, but he couldn’t help but worry. Jean could easily imagine waiting for the hawk to come back and never seeing it again. There was too much out beyond the walls that they still didn’t know about. Nothing that would eat humans, but still a lot of things that would go after a hawk. And the hawk was too important for Jean to lose.

He yawned, stretching to ease the kinks out of his back, smiling as he saw the hawk imitate him. Jean laughed and reached out, letting his fingers hover over the hawk’s head. After waiting a moment, Jean lowered his fingers, scratching at the hawk’s neck. He was rewarded with a soft sound of contentment, the hawk shifting closer to his fingers and looking up at him with sharp brown eyes.

But they weren’t the right brown, just like the speckles on the hawk’s chest might have been in the right arrangement but they weren’t freckles.

Jean was only aware that he had stopped scratching when the hawk bumped up against him, making an angry sound. He pulled his fingers back before the hawk nipped at them. “Sorry. Sorry. Don’t get pissy. It’s still too early.”

He went back to scratching, the hawk settling down again. This time, it turned to face him completely, fluffing up some of its feathers and chattering. Jean thought that it sounded happy, but he couldn’t really tell. Still, he would take a happy sounding hawk over a moping one.

He sat in bed, scratching the hawk, until someone knocked on the door.

The hawk’s head turned to look at the door, Jean looking up as Armin peeked in. He noticed how Armin’s gaze dropped to the pile of clothes on the floor before he pulled the door slightly closed. “Hanji is looking for you.”

Jean nodded, coaxing the hawk to stand on the end of the bed as he reached for his shirt. “Has she found anything?”

Armin shook his head, Jean struggling to keep the disappointment off of his face. “No. She needs you to help Sasha organize the hunting parties. We’re trying to establish how much we can hunt from the immediate area and build up a supply of dried meat. She also wants to see if you and Sasha can find a trail to that salmon run that some of the villagers are talking about.”

“Right.” Jean pulled his shirt over his head, reaching up to try and push his hair into some kind of order. “Tell her that I’ll go, just let me grab something to eat on the way out.”

When he looked at the door again, Armin was gone, probably to deliver the message. And then the boy would probably collapse into bed. Jean didn’t know how late Armin had stayed up the night before, helping organize their affairs when their commanding officers finally fell asleep. Jean couldn’t see how Armin kept going, especially under all of the stress that he was under.

He shook his head and clambered out of bed, quickly pulling on the rest of his clothes. Jean adjusted the leather glove on his hand, holding out his arm when he was done and clicking his tongue.

The hawk flew from the bedpost to his hand, settling quickly. Jean smiled and lifted the hawk up to eye level. “Good morning.”

He got the usual trill and fluffing of feathers as a response, which was gratifying.. But it wasn’t the smile that he would have gotten, and the chipper “Good morning” that would have followed in the past.

Jean stroked a finger over the flecks of black on the hawk’s chest, counting them as his finger slid over them. Twenty total, just like there had always been. He pulled his free hand back with a sigh, dipping his head to kiss the top of the hawk’s head.

“Hang in there, Marco. Hang in there for just a while longer.”


	2. Now Wait, Wait, Wait For Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written for Jeanmarco Week (Nov. 11-Nov. 17) for the prompt struggle. The title is taken from _Little Talks_ by Of Monsters and Men.

_"You must save this Hawk" he said, "For she is my life, my last and best reason for living." And then he said, "One day, we will know such happinesss as two people dream of, but never do." – Ladyhawke_

Six months. They had had six months of peace before the Military Police had come after them.

At least it had been enough time to settle the people from behind the walls with the villagers and start to build up for the winter. It had been enough time to smoke meat and bring in the crops from the fields, enough time to secure the fort. But not enough time to get back up to strength.

Commander Erwin was still back in the village, trying to get used to operating with only one arm., Armin still wasn’t able to stay out in the sun for long and Levi was still unconscious as was Annie. The rest of them were either horrifyingly new at fighting or elite soldiers, a bad mix to have in the field with the force of steady fighters that the Military Police had sent after them. And they were outnumbered.

Considering everything, it was just their luck.

Jean gritted his teeth and swung his sword, aiming high to get at the soldier who was riding down on him. He heard the soldier shout in pain, Jean quickly reaching up with his other hand to attempt to shove the soldier off of his horse.

That was another thing against them. They hadn’t had any horses going into battle and they were having to take them as the Military Police were pushed away.

He hung onto the mare’s reins, letting the horse prance nervously in a circle around him before she calmed. Then Jean scrambled into the saddle, taking in the battlefield from his new viewpoint.

Their scouts had managed to find the Military Police long before they came close to the village and alert them in time to come rushing out. Still, it would take a lot to push the Military Police back. But they were all desperate in a way that the Military Police could never be. Their home was just over the next series of rises, tucked up against the mountains. If the Military Police every got there, everything they had worked for over the past six months would mean nothing.

Jean glanced around, spotting Connie and Sasha holding onto a third horse while Christa clambered up onto it. He waved a hand to get their attention, Connie the one to nod in acknowledgement.

Despite the strong first assault, the Military Police were beginning to fall back. All of them were unused to fighting this long, especially not when their enemy was competent enough to be winning. And Eren had to be making a difference too, their magician up near the front throwing everything he had at the Military Police.

Jean smirked and kicked his mare forward, hearing shouts from behind him as the others joined him. There was a knot of Military Police that had managed to get too far through their line and, with Levi’s squad arranged around Eren to protect their magician, it was up to Jean and the others to stop them.

He guided his mare into the group, swinging his sword so it cut into the vulnerable side of the soldier. A push and the man was falling down in time for Jean to duck. He glanced to the side to see another solder keel backwards from the arrow that had pierced her heart. It was probably one of Sasha’s. Not many in the Military Police used bows on horseback.

He glanced under his arm towards where Sasha was nocking another arrow, looking back in time to check on his next target. Connie was already engaged in blows with two soldiers and Christa was holding up well enough on her own. Further ahead, he could see Bertholdt laying waste to his own group of Military Police with a combination of magic and his sword while Reiner barreled through on foot. It wasn’t the most coordinated attack, but it was _working_ despite the odds.

Jean lifted his sword to parry another blow, kicking one foot free of his stirrup to lash out at the soldier’s horse. The horse reared, trying to hop to the side and falling over. The soldier’s leg was caught underneath the fallen horse, Jean wincing at the crack that he heard. But he didn’t dwell on it for long, not when the Military Police were trying to retreat.

He recognized the formation from their training, where the soldiers who had advanced the furthest would draw back first, trying to draw the rest of them towards the last regroup point. The formation would probably also be used as a strike against Eren, considering how few defenders he had. Jean didn’t think that Eren would go down under the attack, not with the way he had been taking out his rage on the soldiers earlier. But Eren was still too valuable to lose, one of the few trained in the Military Police’s way of using magic rather than the one that the villagers knew. To lose him might prevent them from lifting the curses that still remained from their escape.

Jean cursed under his breath and urged his horse forward, leaning over the mare’s neck as he raced for where Levi’s squad was holding their ground. Over the sound of the wind rushing past his ears, he could hear the others follow him, which meant that they would all have a chance if the Military Police tried to group on that one spot.

“Jean!”

He turned his head at the shout, his eyes widening as he saw a soldier riding up on his left. He fumbled to get his sword into his left hand, realizing that he would be far too slow to do anything about it. From the angle of the sword, the blow was probably aimed at his head, which meant that he would be dead before he fell out of the saddle.

And Marco would never know until someone told him; Marco would be all alone.

Jean felt the pommel of his sword knock against his left palm, slipping his hand over the hilt and trying to raise his sword. The soldier was faster, but not as fast as the Black Sparrowhawk that dove down from the sky and raked at the man’s eyes.

The hawk was away just as quickly, leaving Jean to make a clumsy swing at the man as he pressed his hands to his eyes. The sword bit deep into the man’s side, Jean having to lean over to yank it out.

He scrambled to pull himself back into the saddle, glancing up as soon as he was secure. The hawk circled above his head, Jean smiling and lifting his sword to the hawk. He pressed a kiss to the hilt of the sword, finishing his salute to Marco.

Connie and Sasha galloped past him, Jean quick to follow them. Marco would stay up in the air, circling over him until Jean called him down. It had been one of the first things he had worked on with the hawk. He didn’t want Marco trying to come to him during battle, but there was only so much he could prevent. Hopefully, the hawk would get distracted and fly away soon, then Jean would stop worrying about him

The rest of their meager forces had converged on where the Military Police was trying to surround Eren, Jean slipping between Ymir and Bertholdt to push through a weak spot. With them following the Military Police in retreat and Eren’s ferocity, the call for a full retreat came quickly.

Jean pulled up his mare to watch them go, grinning as he watched most of their enemy flee on foot. They would have a long walk back to the walls and probably a worse fate waiting for them there. They had probably been sent out believing that everyone had left would be weak after living outside of the walls for six months and that Commander Erwin had died of his wound. At least their defeat would get the Military Police off of their backs, because Nile Dawks was going to have to explain how his elite soldiers had managed to lose to a bunch of deserters.

He sat back on his mare, a smile on his face. They had managed themselves pretty well, which called for a celebration when they got back. There had been hardly anything to celebrate since they had reached the village, one sure victory had to mean something.

He was about to share the idea with Sasha, who would probably do all in her power to see it done, when he noticed that one of the fleeing soldiers was turning around. Jean tensed and grip his sword tighter, watching as the man nocked an arrow. He heard Sasha grunt beside him, probably doing the same thing.

Two bowstrings twanged, Jean watching the soldier go down a split second before he heard a scream from above him. He jerked his head up, watching Marco crumple and fall from the sky.

Jean was off his horse before the hawk hit the ground, sprinting towards where Marco was falling. He was just inches away when the hawk hit the ground with a pitiful thump and a harsh cry of pain. The last inches were covered on his knees, Jean skidding into place beside Marco, his hands hovering above the bird.

He could see where the arrow had gone through Marco’s right wing and scored and nasty cut down the hawk’s side. The white feathers on Marco’s stomach and the bottom of his wings were quickly turning red with blood, a sight that made Jean’s stomach turn. What was worse were the pained sounds that were coming from the bird, Marco twisting on the ground until he was on his feet again, and then he was hunching close to the ground, staring up at him. Jean wasn’t sure whether it was in fear or not, but he couldn’t stop staring at the arrow, wondering how long it would take a bird to bleed out or die of shock.

Jean didn’t pay attention to what was going on around him until someone’s cloak was shoved into his hands. He stared at the fabric before looking up at where Christa stood beside him, the blonde girl holding his mare.

Christa gestured to the saddle. “Take him back. Someone should be able to do something.”

He nodded, dropping the cloak around Marco and carefully wrapping him up. The hawk struggled a little before going still, Jean trying not to jostle the bird too much. The panting sounds that Marco was making were distressing enough, because Jean couldn’t tell if it was from fear or because Marco was struggling to breathe. It was worse when he moved too fast, earning a sharp cry from the bird. Jean didn’t even realize that he was muttering a constant stream of apologies until Sasha took Marco from him, holding the bird close to her and motioning at the horse.

“Get on. We’ll pass him up.”

Jean nodded and obeyed the order, scrambling clumsily into the saddle before reaching down for Marco.

Sasha passed the bird up to him carefully, Jean quick to tuck Marco into the crook of his arm. He got a pat on his leg for the motion, Sasha gently pulling on his horse’s reins. “We’ll see you when we get back.”

He managed another nod before kicking his mare into a gallop, leaning protectively over the hawk. Jean was sure that the jostling would just make the arrow hurt worse, but he wanted to get to someone who could help Marco as fast as he could. The idea of his best friend bleeding out in his arms, especially when he wasn’t even human, was frightening.

Jean risked a glance under his arm to see how Marco was doing, not liking that the hawk had gone silent. It must have been shock, or because Marco was too scared to make a noise. Jean wasn’t sure that he preferred the new silence to the weak calls, both were nerve-wracking in their own way. But all he could do was keep riding, because it was his fault that he had brought Marco out to the fight, his fault for not being able to go a step without Marco somewhere nearby. The hawk would have been safer back in their room but Jean was so desperate to hold onto any piece of his friend that he was willing to put Marco in danger.

He tightened his grip on the reins, staring at the hills that were slowly getting closer. All he had to do was ride over them and he would be safe. There would be someone at the fort who knew how to save Marco or someone in the village. Marco would be fine. It was what he had to keep repeating to himself, because it was the only option that he was willing to accept.

Marco woke up slowly, blinking to clear his blurry vision. The splotches of color soon righted themselves into Armin’s face. Marco smiled, raising his left hand to tap at Armin’s leg to show he was alright. He heard a sigh of relief from his friend before Armin backed away.

There was a clatter that could only be the arrow being dropped to the table before Marco heard a chair scrape across the floor. He turned his head to the side, feeling his right shoulder throb with the motion. For a moment, he was tempted to reach up and touch it, but he didn’t want to see the sight of his own blood, now when he didn’t quite know how he had gotten hurt. The arrow was a partial clue, but it didn’t tell him everything.

He cleared his throat, the sound enough to make Armin look up from where he was sitting. “I blacked out?”

“Yeah, but not for long.” Armin gave him a nervous laugh. “I guess I should have tried to surprise you instead of letting you tense up. It might have hurt less.”

Marco resisted the urge to shrug, instead sitting up slowly. He ignored Armin’s stuttered protests in favor of looking around the room.

He had woken up briefly before the arrow had been pulled out, but he hadn’t been in his room, he had been in the dining hall. He had been laid out on one of the benches with Armin hovering over him, warning him that he was about to pull the arrow out and that it would probably hurt.

Marco sighed and looked over at the wound, wincing at the sight. It wasn’t bad, but it would restrict his mobility for a few days, as both and human and a hawk. And, because of his transformation, it would probably heal very slowly, the wound torn open every morning.

He shifted so he back was pressed against the table, accepting the scrap of cloth that Armin passed him. He pressed the cloth against his wound, hoping that the bleeding would stop soon. He wanted it bandaged quickly so it wouldn’t start to go bad. He couldn’t imagine how he would function as a hawk with only one wing. Marco didn’t even know if an amputation like that would kill him or not during the transformation and he didn’t want to find out.

To distract himself from the thought of bleeding out slowly, he looked around the room, surprised when he saw a familiar shape lying between himself and the door. “Is that?”

Armin didn’t have to look up from where he was preparing some kind of mixture to know what Marco was talking about. “We couldn’t get him to leave. He wanted to stay until he was sure that you would be alright, even when I told him that we would have to wait for you to change because it would be easier. No one here practices falconry and there aren’t any books about hawks.”

Marco sighed, setting the scrap of fabric on the table. He held his left hand out towards the wolf. “Jean.”

The wolf stood up quickly, padding over to Marco and dropping his muzzle into Marco’s hand. Marco smiled and scratched under the wolf’s chin. He didn’t bother to shift, not even when Jean braced his front paws on the bench, using the change in height to sniff at the wound on Marco’s shoulder. The wolf gave a confused whine before dropping back onto all fours, sitting at Marco’s feet.

Marco sighed and rested a hand on Jean’s head. “I think he’s becoming more tame than wild now.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Not until another village comes over or someone comes after us.”

“Then we’ll just keep him inside the fort when that happens.”

“He won’t be happy about it.”

“If it’s for you, he’ll do it.” Armin came to sit next to him, Marco wincing at the first touch of the poultice against his wound. Armin didn’t seem to notice, continuing to paint the concoction on. “He was panicking when he first changed, I guess because this place smells like so many people. But he calmed down as soon as he saw you. I know you say that you don’t remember anything from when you change, but is there a chance that the hawk remembers Jean?”

Marco shifted on the bench, staring down at the wolf. “Possibly.”

“So the hawk has six months worth of memories of Jean. Logically, that would mean that the wolf has six months worth of memories of you. They might be animal memories, but that doesn’t make them worthless.” Armin set the bowl down and began wrapping his shoulder, pausing in the middle of the action. “He was really worried about you today.”

“Was he?”

Armin hummed. “He came rushing towards me as soon as he was in here. Apparently I’m the only one who could help.”

Marco stared down at the wolf, digging his fingers into his fur. The idea of waking up after a transformation and having to be told the other was dead was horrifying. And the worst part of it was that Marco had never considered the idea.

He had been worried about Jean being seen staying close to the village, but everyone knew about him and to keep an eye out for the wolf. Marco had never considered outside forces, like what had happened during the battle because he had never expected it to happen. They had all thought the Military Police would give up on them, write them off as dead and continue to lie to the people within the walls. Apparently, that had been too much like wishful thinking.

They weren’t safe in their hard won home, because there would always be something. A trapper could kill Jean or a larger bird could get Marco while he was flying. Disease or starvation could hurt the both of them. The curse could backfire when Hanji tried to undo it. Or the curse would never get broken at all. Suddenly, there were too many factors to consider and Marco felt like he was drowning in all the possibilities to suddenly discover that he was all alone.

He stood up, gently pushing Jean away when the wolf nudged at his leg. He wanted to get this done now, before something else happened. Then he would allow Jean to cuddle close to him and help Armin go through the work of the day. Injury or not, he was still useful. But he had to make sure that he got this down first, just in case something happened.

“Armin, do you have a piece of paper I can borrow?”

The paper was scooted his way without a question, Armin just giving him a steady look like he already knew what Marco was going to do. Then again, Marco wouldn’t have been surprised. With Armin stuck inside all the time, he had plenty of time to watch all of them and figure out what was going on. Armin was probably the most well informed person in the fort and no one knew.

Marco took the pen and inkwell that was giving to him as well, swinging his legs over the bench and beginning to write.

The note was waiting for him on top of Marco’s pile of carefully folded clothes when he woke up.

_Jean,_

_I’m sorry for scaring you like that, even if I don’t remember doing it. But Armin and Eren told me that I did it to save you, so I can’t regret my actions. And, even though I can’t promise that I won’t do it again, I’ll try to be more careful, because I want to live to see you again._

_I want to see your smile and hear your stupid jokes again. I even want to hear you argue with Eren again, because that would mean hearing your voice._

_But I really just want to hold you close again, because I’ve missed you._

_So, please, try to live until then, because I would be just as devastated as you would be if the curse was finally broken and you weren’t there waiting for me._

_I’m sorry I’m not around to stay this to you in person, Jean, but I love you._

_Marco._

Jean stared at the note for a moment before ducking his head. Of course they would both realize this now when they were having the worst luck in the world. When they hadn’t seen each other for six months and when Jean had no one to tell but the hawk that was sitting on the other side of the room.

He read through the note again before flipping it over, having to look through the stuff on the top of his dresser to find the pen and ink that must have been Marco’s. Only Marco would work from their room, Jean was nearly always out. He scrawled his own answer on the back of Marco’s note, blowing on it to get the ink to dry before setting the note back on Marco’s clothes.

_I miss you. I hate that I’ve forgotten what your smile looks like._

_I love you too_.

Jean sighed and walked over to the door, clicking his tongue and holding out his arm for the hawk.

Marco flew to his hand, Jean pausing in the doorway to stroke his fingers along the hawk’s back.

“We’ll see each other soon, Marco. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Marco (Black Sparrowhawk)](http://www.americanfalconry.com/blackspar.jpg)
> 
> [Jean (Himalayan Wolf)](http://www.thewolfarmy.com/images/himalayan%20wolf%201.jpg)


	3. I’ve Been Waiting For You For So Long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Come Home by One Republic.

_  
“There are strange forces at work in your life. Magical ones that surround you. I don't understand them, but they frighten me.”_

Marco watched the five gathered around the table, digging his fingers into Jean’s scruff. He felt the wolf huff against his leg, but the sound wasn’t a warning. Jean was now more tame than wild, something that made Marco uneasy. Something could happen to him because he believed that people were trustworthy. For all Marco knew, the king behind the walls was still sending out the Military Police to find them. The Military Police wouldn’t think twice about killing a wolf. He tightened his grip again, only relaxing when Jean nudged against his leg.

He refused to look down at the wolf, not wanting to deal with the look that he was sure to be getting. It was easier to focus on the group across the dining hall from him, the one that looked like they were taking one last moment. And, in a way, it was true. Hanji had come in just ten minutes ago to say that Levi would have to be put back under again.

It had been better once, back at the start when they figured out that they could wake either Annie or Levi up. Back then, they had been able to be awake for two days at a time before one needed to be coaxed back into sleep. But that had been six months ago, and the time had been steadily going down. Levi had only gotten an hour and a half today, and that was barely enough time. His entire squad was clustered close around him, looking for any excuse to brush against him and Levi was allowing it. They had even stopped joking with each other. That’s how Marco knew things were bad.

He flinched at the sound of a chair scraping against the floor, Marco staring at the table instead of over at the group. Whatever goodbyes were being said weren’t any of his business. Anything that happened between Levi and his squad would remain there. They had enough trouble as they were.

The group was silent as they left the dining hall, Marco sliding from the bench to sit on the floor. He didn’t want to see what was going on, he didn’t want to watch as they suffered.

It wasn’t fair. Everyone else was over the magical backlash, or they had adjusted well enough. Marco smiled ruefully to himself and ruffled Jean’s fur. That got a soft grumble from the wolf, Marco laughing his pressing his head against the top of Jean’s. It wasn’t ideal, but they were dealing with it. That was better than the knowledge that it would only be a matter of days before they couldn’t wake either Levi or Annie up. After that, they both might as well be dead; and that would just kill all of them.

For those who had escaped from behind the walls, Levi was their commanding officer, one of the few that had stood with them when they had decided to make a break for the outside world. For those within the village, Annie was one of their best, one of the ones that they had placed all of their hopes in.

Marco shivered and wrapped his arms around Jean, ignoring the way that the wolf whined. Things were supposed to be better outside of the walls. There was no more fear, no more lies. Marco was too old to just believe that it would be so easy to build a paradise, but he had hoped that it would be a little bit better. He had hoped that there wouldn’t be any more funerals for a long while.

Jean whined again, licking his cheek. Marco wanted to laugh, but all he could do was shake his head and cling to Jean tighter. Everything might have been going well with the villagers and the people who had followed them outside of the walls, but everything was falling apart everywhere else.

Marco could hear footsteps in the dining hall, but he didn’t bother to move away from Jean. He only uncurled when he felt a hand rest on his shoulder.

Armin was sitting on the bench, hunched over so they could talk on eye level. He offered Marco a weak smile before holding his hand out for Jean to sniff. “They’re putting Levi back to sleep.”

“I heard.”

“It’s getting worse.”

“I know.”

“But you two are…I mean, everything is normal?”

“It’s holding steady if that’s what you mean.” Marco pulled his hand away from Jean, staring at it for a moment before letting it rest on the wolf again. “Sunrise and sunset without fail.” It took him a moment to gather together the frayed edges of his smile. “Don’t worry about us. Worry about the others. We’re fine.”

“Marco….”

“How’s Mikasa doing?” It must have been killing her to have Eren hurting and not be about to actually do anything about it. That was probably why she was out all the time, running scouting missions with Sasha. At least there she got to do something, and she got to hunt, because Sasha would always bring back fresh meat for their comrades. And that was just Mikasa. Armin was bound to be hurting in the same way, the three of them had always been close.

Marco cleared his throat, hoping that it would keep his voice from wavering. “How are you doing? Do you need help with anything? I’ve got nothing to do for the rest of the night. I could always-”

“Marco, stop.” Armin reached down to rest a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. His hand was shaking, but Marco ignored it. They were doing that a lot around each other, overlooking the small things because they didn’t matter. Because they were _handling_ it.

He reached up to brush Armin’s hand off, stopping when Armin squeezed again. The contact felt more like an order to stay than comfort. Marco tensed, hearing Jean make a low growl. He quieted the wolf with a tap on his muzzle, having to tip his head back to look at Armin.

His friend looked angrier than Marco ever remembered seeing him. He wanted to ask if Armin was alright, if he needed to talk, but Armin pushed on before Marco could open his mouth. “We’re going to figure this out, even if we have to send people back behind the walls to look for answers”

Marco flinched at the suggestion. It had been hard enough getting out of the walls in the first place, and they had lost so many just trying to escape. That wasn’t even counting the curses that had been cast on them by magic backfiring. And that was only on their side, the Military Police were bound to be more thorough now that they had failed on two counts; they had failed to stop them from leaving and they had failed to bring them back. Marco didn’t think that it would be possible to send more people behind the walls, at least not unless they were prepared to deal with the deaths that would come from it.

He shook his head, pushing at Jean to get the wolf to move away from him. “I don’t think that it will work.”

“Then what else can we do?” Armin slumped back against the table, but he was still frowning. “Because I’m not going to just let this happen. Losing Annie would hurt all of us and losing Levi would _kill_ Eren.”

Armin didn’t need to explain further, it was easy to see how things would spread from there. They had all known Annie in training, back before they had known that she had been part of the team to infiltrate the walls. She had mostly kept to herself, but they were all fond of her, especially Reiner and Bertholdt. The two of them were sure to drift away if she died, and that would fracture the remains of their class.

Levi’s death would hurt the rest of the soldiers who had managed to make it outside of the walls, because all of the veterans knew him. Erwin was already struggling to adjust to a military force that had grown used to following Mike’s orders over his and the loss of his arm. The hope that things would go back to normal must have meant something to him, because he had stopped trying to settle back into his place as commander as Levi’s time awake had declined. His death would shake Eren to the core, which would affect Mikasa and Armin.

It would be shock waves through an already fractured group.

Marco reached for Jean, needing to feel the solidity of the wolf to keep himself from going on further. What he wanted to do was to be able to reach out for Armin, to smile and say that nothing like that would happen. But he had run out of optimism when the anniversary of their escape had passed without a cure for him and Jean or Annie and Levi. Now he could only smile and offer the same empty words of comfort that he had since the start. It was nothing that Armin deserved, especially with the real threat that everything was going to fall apart.

He jumped as Armin slammed a fist against the table. By his side, Jean snarled, the wolf turning to look at Armin. On his part, Armin didn’t bother to look at Jean. Instead, Marco found himself pinned under Armin’s angry stare.

“Don’t you dare, Marco. I don’t want to hear it, not when this is going to happen. All I want to hear are ways to fix this because I’m not going to watch this happen. I’ve lost too many people that I love already to do this again.”

“I understand.”

“Do you? Because I barely do. I don’t know how Eren is still walking around when he spends all of his time just standing guard over Levi or with you and Jean as reminders of how badly he failed. Did you know that he still flinches whenever he sees the two of you?” Armin didn’t give him time to answer. “I never see Mikasa anymore because she’s always out. She can’t do anything so she’s doing what she can to keep herself distracted so she doesn’t just break down. And she’s the lucky one, because I can’t do that anymore. I’ve run out of papers to go through or things to help out with because things are starting to just work. I’m losing the only three people left to me and you’re about to tell me that I should just wait and trust the others.”

Armin broke off with what sounded like a sob, tipping his head to look back up at the ceiling. “I’m ready to do anything now, even things that will make the others hate me, because I just can’t.”

Marco dropped onto the bench beside Armin, nudging Jean away. He didn’t need the wolf trying to cuddle up to him, not when Armin seemed so close to a breakdown. Not when Jean could be a distraction to him.

He slung an arm around Armin’s shoulders, relieved when Armin leaned into him. Armin pressed his head against Marco’s shoulder, reaching up with one hand to clutch at Marco’s wrist. “How do you deal with this?”

There was a short jerk of Armin’s head that accompanied the question, the motion aimed towards Jean. Marco followed the motion and found himself staring at the wolf, watching as Jean curled up on the floor, apparently content to wait until Marco decided to move again. He swallowed, feeling his stomach twist.

There was no answer that he could give to Armin, because he had never dealt with what happened to them, he had never fought against it. Hanji and the others had said that they wanted to focus on Levi and Annie, and Marco had gone with it. And, when that had taken longer than Marco had expected, he had just resigned himself to the fact that he would have to get used to Jean as a wolf. He had even told Hanji not to worry about it when she had asked about their curse, because there were more important things to worry about. And, somewhere in between those moments, Marco had forgotten what Jean had really looked like.

He had forgotten what Jean had sounded like, how Jean had held himself, how they had existed around each other. The list was endless. He had packed that all away until Jean was the wolf at his feet because it hurt less. It was easier to be in love with a man he would never see when he couldn’t remember anything about him. It didn’t hurt as much then.

Marco swallowed back a whimper, tipping his head so it was pressed against the top of Armin’s. He let his silence answer Armin’s question, closing his eyes as he felt Armin squeeze his wrist.

Jean gave the reins a light tug as the mare he was sitting on shifted restlessly. He didn’t blame her for wanting to move, they had been standing at the base of the trail through the mountains for nearly half an hour, waiting for the group from the other villages to meet them. The message had come the day before, and the leader of the villagers had demanded that the soldiers give an escort to the people that were coming. Apparently, they were all leaders from the villages on the other side of the mountains.

He was sure that it would just mean more talks that the others would sit through. Maybe he would be dragged into some just to look official, for what little that would count. Jean would just be constantly ducking out a few minutes before sunset to go find a place to change. At least he wasn’t too important, not like Erwin, Mike or Levi’s squad. The talks would go on whether or not he was there.

A whistle from the front of their group had his mare trying to pull away from their post again. Jean rolled his eyes and guided her back into place, wincing as the move made the hawk miss his hair and nip at his neck.

Jean reached back, touching Marco’s side. “Easy there, buddy.”

He didn’t get a response, Marco just going back to what he had been doing. Jean sighed and lowered his hand. Marco would continue to sit on his shoulder until he called the hawk down. It was easier to work with Marco perched on his shoulder, and he seemed happier closer to Jean. There was still some small part of Jean that pushed him to admit that he probably looked cooler with the bird on his shoulder. It was like all of the nobles that he had seen on the rare occasions that he had gone out of Trost; all of them riding to hunt with their hawks and eagles perched on their hands or carried along by attendants. It was a sign of something, but Jean couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge it, because it was at the price of Marco.

He straightened up in the saddle, watching as the line of carts and horses came out of the base of the pass. The villagers who had come with them immediately surged forward, taking hold of bridles or hopping up onto the back of carts. They chattered away, Jean finding himself smiling at the sound of living people. After spending so much of his time at the fort, it was good to hear something that sounded like life. Most of the time, he felt like he was waiting at the deathbed of someone, and that was probably the right way to think about his situation.

Jean looked over as Bertholdt slipped off of his horse, tossing the reins to Reiner to rush over to a hunched over old woman who was walking away from the group. “Oma!”

“Bertholdt.” The old woman broke into a fast shuffle, slamming into Bertholdt with more force that Jean thought her capable of. She wrapped her arms around his waist, her head resting on his stomach. “Oh, you’ve grown. I thought you were done.”

Bertholdt just blushed, about to bend over to hug her back when she pulled away, looking him up and down. “I guess it’s good then, because it means Reiner is taking care of you. Have you been, Reiner? If I hear anything bad…”

“Of course not. I always take care of Bertl.”

“Oma-”

“Hush, I’m allowed to heckle him.” She tugged at the end of Bertholdt’s sleeves, smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt. “He’s been chasing after you for years and still hasn’t proposed.”

“I was waiting until we got back home.” Reiner looked cowed, a strange expression on him. Out of everyone in their class, Reiner had always been the loud and boisterous one. Jean smiled at the sight of an old woman managing to make him shrink into himself. This would have to be spread around to the rest of their class.

His smile wavered and disappeared when Reiner looked away, playing with his horse’s mane. “I wanted to wait until it was safer, Oma. It was…too many things could have gone wrong behind the walls.”

Jean swallowed, tightening his grip on the reins to keep himself from reaching back for Marco. Things had gone wrong, horribly wrong. To hear Reiner admit it made it all worse. Reiner had always been the steady one, the one who would nod and go along with a plan like optimism and will power would solve everything.

The old lady hummed, looking over at Bertholdt before narrowing her eyes. She reached up for him, the motion turning into a frantic wave as Bertholdt leaned down. She cupped his face, turning it from side to side before staring into Bertholdt’s eyes. Bertholdt stood under the scrutiny, only looking panicked when the old woman tugged him closer. “I see residue. What was put on you?”

“It was nothing, Oma.” Bertholdt pulled away from her, standing up straight so she couldn’t reach for him again. “It was just some backlash. I’m fine.”

She didn’t look convinced, the old woman looking around the group. Jean noticed how she lingered over Reiner, Connie and Christa. He tensed when she looked over at him, lifting his hand to hide Marco from her. The move just made her narrow her eyes before looking back at Bertholdt. “What happened?”

“It was just an accident, Oma. I promise.”

“Where’s Annie?”

Everyone looked away at that, Jean sure that he heard Connie mutter a curse under his breath. That was the question that no one wanted to deal with. There was too much behind it and too many people would snap. Jean was just glad that Eren had managed to not get picked for the guard detail. After that question, he probably would have been riding back to the fort. That would have been enough of an answer for the woman, and maybe an end to everything that they had been working for.

Jean looked over at Bertholdt, noticing how his hands were shaking. But Bertholdt was too busy staring over at Reiner, like the blond could fix everything.

When Reiner didn’t say anything, Bertholdt ducked his head. “She’s back with the others, but…it’s really bad, Oma. We can’t figure out how to break what the backlash did to her. It’s why we wanted you and the others to come.”

The woman reached up to take Bertholdt’s hands. “Take me to her.”

The dining hall was completely silent. Marco glanced around, wincing at how everyone was just staring at their food. He looked down at his own plate, wiggling his feet further under Jean. The wolf grumbled, the sound far too loud in the hall. Marco winced and closed his eyes.

Something was going to break, he could just feel it.

Normally, no one would be gathered in the hall this late. There were patrols to run in the early morning, meetings to attend and more work on the village to do. People were usually heading to bed or returning to the village to their families. The soldiers were usually on the walls of the fort or out in the trees, looking out for any signs that the Military Police were coming after them again. Instead, nearly the entire settlement was gathered in the dining hall of the fort, pointedly not looking at the door. Everyone save for their magicians.

No one had seen Reiner, Bertholdt, Hanji or Eren since the delegates from the villages beyond the mountain had come. Armin had said something about a group of five elderly people grabbing them and tugging them down to where Annie was kept. Marco had passed Levi’s room earlier on and saw that the bed was empty, which meant that they had probably taken him to. He couldn’t imagine Eren just allowing them to take Levi away from him.

Armin had also said something about Bertholdt being the one to call them in. Apparently they were the closest that the villagers had to master magicians. Marco could only hope that whatever they were doing was working, because Armin had seemed energetic for once. He had been talking with his hands and nearly bouncing in place. Mikasa had been standing by his side and Marco swore that he had seen her smiling, and that had felt good. If this worked then everything would go back to normal and the horrible depression that had floated over the fort for months would be gone.

Marco hoped it worked, because he didn’t want to see what would happen if it didn’t and all of the hope came crashing back down.

He reached under the table for Jean, feeling the wolf lick his hand. It wasn’t much of a reassurance, but it was the only kind he remembered. There was something Jean had done before, when they were in training, but Marco couldn’t remember it. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes.

It had to work or he wouldn’t know what to do.

Marco looked up as the door creaked open, barely paying attention to the fact that everyone else did as well.

Eren stumbled into the dining hall, looking like he was about to fall asleep on his feet. He barely made it three steps before Armin and Mikasa were pulling him over to where Levi’s squad was waiting. Eren was pulled into their group and surrounded. Marco craned his neck to see what was happening, but Eren was just leaning against Mikasa, already falling asleep. He caught Armin’s gaze, but the only answer he got was a shrug.

Marco sighed and pushed his food away, leaning forward to rest his forehead against the table. He didn’t know if that was an answer or if they were still waiting. He desperately wanted it to be a sign that they were still waiting. He closed his eyes, letting himself drift. It was easier to not think and just listen to the sounds of Jean breathing and shifting on the floor than to think about what Eren returning meant.

He didn’t know how much time passed before the doors opened again, but it was just the Bertholdt, Reiner and Hanji stumbling into the dining hall. People stood up and pulled them away to tables, Bertholdt and Reiner getting claimed by a villager who slung an arm around both their waists. Moblit was the one to claim Hanji. They all looked like they were in the same state as Eren, ready to collapse wherever they stood. Marco scanned the room one more time before going back to pressing his head against the table.

Across the room, he could hear Bertholdt and Reiner talking in low voices. Marco lifted his head briefly, but he decided that it wasn’t worth the effort to listen in. He probably wouldn’t understand what they were saying, in the first place if they were talking about what they had been doing.. The jargon that came with magic had always confused him, which made sense because he had never been able to use magic. Maybe if he had he would have been able to help. Surely if they were successful, they would have looked happier.

He didn’t look up as the door opened again, not wanting to see the elders trail in looking just as exhausted. He wanted a few moment longer to believe that everything would be alright.

Marco couldn’t keep his head down when he heard what sounded like a pained gasp from the other side of the dining hall. He flinched and sat up, jostling Jean. The wolf scrambled out from under the table, Marco sure that he heard the wolf growling, but he was too busy staring at the two figures that were walking into the room.

Eren was up and out of his seat before Marco could really process that Levi _and_ Annie were awake at the same time. He was barely aware of clambering to his feet, or knocking against Jean as he did so. All he could pay attention to was the fact that Eren had nearly knocked Levi to the floor and that Annie was getting pulled into a hug by Reiner.

It took a moment for the rest of the room to react. When they did, Levi really did fall to the floor as his squad rushed over to him. Annie was surrounded by people from the village and from her class, but neither Reiner nor Bertholdt were letting her go. Marco was sure that he could hear Armin laughing from the other side of the room, the sound almost too loud after the silence.

Marco let out a sigh of relief, slumping against the table with a laugh himself. It had been so long since he had laughed, and the sound came out weird. Apparently, it was weird enough to worry Jean, because the wolf pawed at his leg. Marco knelt down and pulled Jean into a hug.. “It’s okay. They’re okay. It’s okay.”

He smoothed a hand down Jean’s back, feeling the wolf nuzzle closer. “We’re going to be okay.”

People were laughing again, and they were talking. No one was dying and Marco could breathe a bit easier. He was sure that he was repeating the same thing over and over again, but it was helping him stop his shaking. He could feel Jean nosing at his face, Marco smiling and pushing his muzzle away. He fully expected Jean to continue, but the wolf backed off, Marco reaching for him when he felt the low growl.

He looked up to see one of the elders staring down at him. Marco clutched Jean closer automatically, staring up at the old woman who was peering at the two of them.

She reached for Marco only for Jean to attempt to lunge forward. He stopped the wolf with a hand on his scruff, Jean whining and looking back at him. Marco looked up at her, wanting to apologize only to see her smiling at him. “That’s a relief. I thought that this would be as hard as the last one.”

“What?”

“We don’t intend to leave without all the curses gone. These things have a tendency of getting worse with time.”

“It hasn’t.”

“But it will.” She brushed her hand over the air above his head, Marco tugging on Jean when the wolf snarled. “It’s like a knot. The more you tug at it, the harder it gets to untangle.”

Marco just stared at her, unable to think of anything to say. All he could think about was how Annie and Levi had deteriorated If that happened to them, Marco was sure they would lose their ability to turn into human. The thought was terrifying, because he would lose himself and he would lose Jean. The horrific part was that he would never know it had happened to him, he would get the slow decline and then nothing.

He swallowed, only realizing that he was clutching at Jean when the wolf pushed back against him. Even then he didn’t let go, he just stared down at the wolf. Even this was better than losing it all, and Marco would hold onto this as long as he could if they couldn’t work the curse out all the way

The old woman sat down on the bench across from him, her eyes trailing over him slowly, like she was reading something around him. She finally focused on his face after a moment of searching. “Will you let us help you?”

Marco swallowed. There was no other answer to give, not after everything that could happen to him, not when the alternative was as good as dying. He tightened his grip on Jean and nodded.

Apparently something big was going on, something that Jean hadn’t been told about. He sighed and leaned against the wall of the fort, watching the villagers scurry back towards their houses.

Jean wasn’t really surprised that he was out of the loop, he had been distracted by other things. At first it had been the elders who had come to break the curse on him and Marco, and then on all the patrols that he volunteered for because the elders had abruptly stopped working with them Their attention was now on what was next for the village.

He had heard rumors that it would be best for everyone to move to the other side of the mountains, because the Military Police was bound to continue chasing after them in the future. The mountains would be enough of a barrier between them and the walls that it might convince the Military Police to stop chasing them. Even if that didn’t stop them, Jean was sure that there were already plans in order. The only problem seemed to be the fact that many of the civilians who had escaped with them wanted to help others outside the walls, which meant that the soldiers might have to stay at the fort to defend the pass.

Whatever was decided on, it was over his head and beyond his notice. The only thing that Jean was focusing on was the fact that the elders had just _given up_. He had hoped that the curse would be easy to break. After all, it had taken them a solid day of hard work to break whatever was over Levi and Annie, but it had been months. Maybe the thing over him and Marco was unbreakable, and they just had to deal with the end that was waiting for them. Jean winced and looked down at his hands, contemplating losing them. It wasn’t like he would even realize what he was missing, it would just be him as the wolf and nothing to hold him to the fort.

He sighed and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He didn’t want to think about that, not when it seemed like that was how he would spend the rest of his life. He would have plenty of time for that later.

Jean lowered his hands as he heard Connie laughing. He turned his head, watching as Connie and Sasha rushed out of the fort, the two of them tugging Mikasa and Eren after them. Armin followed after at his own pace, sometimes darting forward to give Eren or Mikasa an extra shove to keep them moving.

He waved when he saw Jean. “Come on!”

“Why?”

“They say something special is happening.” Armin was nearly bouncing in place. “It’s rare that we get to see something like this. Everyone else is already in the square.”

Jean glanced between Armin and the others, part of him wanting desperately to join them, but he couldn’t summon up the energy. It was becoming a pattern, Jean preferring to keep to himself and away from the hawk. It wasn’t easier, but it was far better than just staring at Marco and wishing that he was human, because that got him nowhere.

He shook his head, tipping his head back against the fort again. “I’ll watch it from here”

Armin didn’t argue, just looking at Jean sadly before rushing to catch up with Eren and Mikasa. And Jean didn’t blame him for leaving him on his own, not with Eren actually acting like life was worth living again and Mikasa around for more than a few moments. Besides, it was about time that Eren got to spend a day without shooting guilty looks Jean’s way. Jean didn’t know if Eren did it around Marco, but those looks just made him want to punch Eren’s face in. It had been over a year and they had all established the fact that it was not Eren’s fault that he wasn’t prepared for the Military Police to use magic; none of them had. There was no point to the guilt because it wouldn’t help anything.

Jean closed his eyes, taking deep breaths to keep himself calm. He felt like screaming or crying, which was his usual state of being, and he hated it. But there was nothing else for him to be, especially since he wasn’t quite ready to become resigned to what was happened to him.

He jumped as something grabbed onto his wrist. Jean’s first response was to reach for the sword that he knew wasn’t by his side. He hadn’t carried it out of the room that morning. It was still instinct from training, one that made him feel horrible when he looked down and saw the old lady that everyone that had fallen into calling Oma after listening to Bertholdt call her that for months. Jean wasn’t even sure that she was related to Bertholdt.

He forced himself to relaxed, giving the old woman a smile. “Oma.”

“You aren’t going with them.”

Jean shook his head, not even surprised that it wasn’t a question. She seemed to know everything that was going on before anyone else did. “Not in the mood.”

She sighed and reached up to pat his shoulder. “You’re too young to be thinking like that.”

“I’m old enough to be a soldier.”

“Yes, but you’re too young to be dead like that.” She didn’t react when Jean flinched, just continuing to pet his shoulder. “Where’s Marco? You’re usually never without him.”

“I can’t today.”

“Fair enough.” She shrugged and let go of him. For a moment, Jean thought that she was going to leave, but she just sat down on the ground beside him. “You’ll have to excuse me, my old bones have decided not to work with me today. I’ll watch it from here.”

Jean shrugged. He had no authority over the old woman, and he doubted than anyone did. Commander Erwin probably couldn’t order her to move, although it would be interesting to see.

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask what was so special when the old woman gasped. She pointed up at the sky when he looked at her. “It’s started.”

Jean followed her pointing finger, hissing when he looked at the sun. He threw an arm over his eyes, peeking out from under the shade.

At first, he couldn’t tell what was going on, but then he noticed the small fraction of the sun that was covered. Jean narrowed his eyes before looking away, unable to stand the light for too long. Still, it was enough to understand what was going on. “An eclipse.”

“Yes. It’s been a while since we’ve been able to see one.”

“We never got to.” Jean kicked at the ground, looking up at the sun in short glances. “The Wall Cult had a thing about it. Purity being eaten up by darkness or some shit like that.”

“They might have had a point, but who says the dark is always bad.”

Jean wanted to contradict her, but he kept his mouth shut. There were still people from behind the walls who believed in the afterlife they had been told about by the Wall Cult, probably because it was a kind of relief. The idea of a perfect life after all of the hardship of the one that they were going through sounded great. The promise of eternal protection even better. Jean was sure that he would have gone running for the nearest church if he had been behind the walls in his situation, anything that would give him the hope that he would see Marco after he ceased to be. That kind of hope was dangerous.

He looked back down at the old woman as she continued to talk. “All of your magic behind the wall is so strict and contained. There’s an order to it that I’m not used to, but there are things that will always remain the same.” She heaved herself to her feet, brushing off her skirt. As soon as she was done, she offered her hand to Jean. “Walk with me.”

It was an order, just as much of one if Levi or Erwin had given it.

Jean offered her his arm, smiling a bit when she just laughed and started to forge on ahead. He trailed after her, only partially listening to her as she spoke. The rest of his attention was on the shadow that was slowly covering the sun.

“I suppose that they both have the same origins, although your friend Armin could tell you more about that. He’s smart like that. I’m just an old woman who does exactly what she was taught and nothing more, even if I have to get creative sometimes. That being said, there’s always a loophole. You just have to prod at the curse long enough to find it. And then you exploit the hell out of it.”

“Is that what you did with Levi and Annie?”

“No. That involved less fineness. That was more forcing the curse apart.”

Jean nodded, focusing on following her. It seemed like she had talked herself out because she didn’t say another word.

He wasn’t really surprised when she led him to where the rest of the village and fort had gathered, but he was relieved that she didn’t push him to join the crowd. Even then, Jean stood on his tip toes to see where his friends were gathered. They all had their heads tipped up to watch the eclipse. Armin was probably having the time of his life, explaining what was happening to anyone that was listening. Jean was sure that he would get the same report when Armin got back, At the moment, he was content to tip his head back and watch as the sun was completely covered.

A gasp when up from the crowd, Jean listening as they broke out into excited chatter. He let out a soft laugh himself, unclenching his fists from his sides. For a moment, he thought that he was going to transform into a wolf. He wasn’t sure of the parameters of the curse beyond the fact that he would turn into a wolf at sunset. Maybe darkness triggered the transformation, and it wouldn’t matter that it was still technically day.

He nearly missed the old woman’s words, the noise from the crowd nearly drowning them out. “A day without a night and a night without a day.”

She walked away into the crowd before Jean could demand for her explain. He stared after her, losing her for a moment until she popped up next to Bertholdt. Jean saw his friend lean down to talk to her for a moment before standing up again. He could barely see the top of the old woman’s head through the crowd, everyone staring at the eclipse going on above their heads with upturned faces. Jean was sure that he was the only one staring at the crowd.

He shook his head, taking a step back. He had followed the old woman to the village like she had wanted, and he had listened to her explanation, for all the good it had done him. There were probably chores to be done back at the fort, something to distract him until the others came back. Maybe then he would finally break and go find Marco. The hawk would be lonely after being left alone in the room for so long. Jean would have to find a way to make it up to him.

Jean kicked at a stone on the path, turning on his heel. He jerked to a stop when he saw the person sprinting towards them.

Jean was sure that there was no one else who had remained behind at the fort, because they were all out in the square. That fact alone made the person running towards him impossible. Not that Jean actually cared, he was already stretching his arms out to catch them as they ran up to him.

The solid weight of the person against his chest sent him stumbling back, Jean surprised by it. He had half expected the person to pass through him or dissolve on contact. Or he expected this to be a dream, but it couldn’t hurt if it was a dream. His ribs wouldn’t ache so wonderfully if it was a dream of an impact. In a dream, he probably wouldn’t be shaking, because he was used to seeing this in dreams.

He stared at his hands, watching them hover just above the person’s back before he made a snap decision. He didn’t care if it was just a dream or a trick of his mind. He wanted this moment and he wasn’t about to let it pass.

Jean gently settled his hands on Marco’s back, not trusting them to stay there. When they did, he rubbed the material of Marco’s shirt carefully between his fingers. “Are you real?”

The question got a broken chuckle, the sound getting Jean to clutch at him. He had missed the sound of that voice, and he regretted that it was almost unfamiliar. Jean pressed his forehead against Marco’s shoulder, gathering fistfuls of his shirt. “Marco, tell me you’re real.”

“I’m real, Jean. I’m real and I’m here.”

Jean let out a shaky sigh, quickly abandoning his hold on Marco’s shirt to cup his hands around Marco’s cheeks. It only took a bit of pressure to coax Marco’s head from his shoulder, although Marco didn’t let go of him. Jean didn’t care, he didn’t want to let go of Marco for a second longer than he had to. He just wanted to cling to him and stare, memorize every single freckle again so he didn’t forget it again when the miracle ran out.

Except that it wouldn’t, because he had been given the answer that he needed. The old woman had told him that there were loopholes, and there was a hell of one hanging above their head. They were both human at the same time, and Jean was sure that it was enough to break the curse, or at least loosen it enough for the others to get back to work. It had to be or the world was too cruel for letting him see Marco again only to take him away.

Jean wanted to explain his thought process to Marco, but all he could say was, “You cut your hair.”

One hand pushed up into Marco’s hair, sliding around to the back of Marco’s head. He could hear Marco laughing at him and someone shouting at the two of them, but both sounds were off in the distance. He was watching the sun come back across Marco’s face and waiting for the change to come. But it wasn’t, Jean watched Marco until they were both standing in the sunlight at the hair under his hand hadn’t turned back into feathers. And it was finally right.

His eyes were the right shade of brown and the same twenty freckles were there. And Marco was _smiling_ , and that was what Jean had missed the most.

He was sure he let out an embarrassing noise when he tugged Marco close again, going back to clutching at him.

Marco didn’t even flinch, just loosening one hand to smooth it down Jean’s back. “Hey, hey. It’s okay.”

“Yeah. You’re real and you’re here.”

“So are you.”

Jean laughed, shifting so he could press his temple against’ Marco’s.

Behind them, he was sure that he could hear the others calling, but he ignored them. All that mattered were Marco’s arms around him and the way that he was gently swaying from side to side. Jean huffed, turning to press a kiss against Marco’s hair. That got Marco’s swaying to stop, but it also to relax.

“Jean…”

“I still do. A year didn’t change that. It just made me miss you more.”

“Come here.” Jean shifted so their foreheads were touching, shivering as Marco dragged a hand through his hair. “Never again, I promise you that. That won’t happen to us again.”

Jean didn’t get the chance to respond. Apparently all of their friends lost their patience and barreled in on them. Connie and Sasha led the charge, throwing their arms around both Marco and Jean. The others followed suit, Jean feeling Reiner press up against his back, trapping Eren uncomfortably against his side. He was sure that he felt Armin trying to wiggle into both him and Marco, but he didn’t care. As long as he didn’t have to look away from Marco’s smile or let go of Marco, he would be fine.

He rubbed his forehead against Marco’s, drawing his friend’s attention away from the others. “Never again.”

Marco squeezed his waist in reply, not letting go even as he turned to finally answer the others.

Jean let him, content to just bask in Marco’s presence. His world was finally slipping back into place, because Marco was back at his side. And nothing was going to tear him from that place again.


End file.
